Why We Look for Validation Instead of Looking Within When Relationships Feel Off
- M.O.B.A. Mentality
- May 15
- 4 min read
When a relationship starts to feel strained, whether it’s a partner, friend, coworker, or even family, something subtle but powerful tends to happen.
We start looking for backup.
Not solutions. Not clarity. Not growth.
Backup.
We vent. We share our side. We tell the story in a way that makes sense to us… and then we seek out people who will nod, agree, and say the words that feel like relief:
“You’re right.”
“I would feel the same way.”
“They’re the problem.”
"You deserve better."
"They are a bitch."
And for a moment?
It feels good.
It feels validating. It feels justified. It feels like we’ve been seen.
But here’s the hard truth:
Validation is not the same thing as truth.
The Comfort of Being “Right”
When something feels off in a relationship, it’s uncomfortable. There’s tension. Confusion. Maybe even hurt.
And instead of sitting in that discomfort and asking:
“What is my role in this?”
“Where might I be contributing to this disconnect?”
We often take the easier route:
“Who will agree with me?”
Because if others agree… it must mean we’re right.
And if we’re right… we don’t have to change anything.
That’s the real payoff.
Not connection.
Not resolution.
Avoidance.
Why We Do This
This isn’t about being a bad person. It’s about being human.
Looking inward requires:
Accountability
Vulnerability
Letting go of control
Admitting we might not be seeing the full picture
And that’s hard.
Especially when emotions are high.
So instead, we build a case.
We gather “evidence.”
We surround ourselves with people who reinforce our perspective.
And without realizing it, we create an echo chamber where:
Our feelings are validated
Our story is supported
And our growth is stalled
The Cost of Constant Validation
Here’s the part most people don’t talk about:
When you only seek validation, you stay stuck in the same patterns.
Different relationship… same outcome
.Different person… same frustration.
Because the common denominator was never addressed.
You.
Not in a 'woe is me' blaming way but instead more of an empowering one.
Because the moment you’re willing to look at your role, you also gain the power to change it.
The Shift: From Validation to Awareness
What if instead of asking: “Who agrees with me?”
You asked:
“What am I not seeing?”
“How am I showing up in this dynamic?”
“Am I communicating… or assuming?”
“Am I reacting… or responding?”
That shift alone changes everything.
It moves you from:
Defensiveness to Curiosity
Blame to Ownership
Stuck to Growth
This Doesn’t Mean You’re Always Wrong
Let’s be clear:
Looking at yourself does not mean:
You’re the only problem
The other person gets a pass
Your feelings aren’t valid
It means you’re choosing to take responsibility for your side of the street.
And that’s where your power lives.
A Better Way Forward
The next time a relationship feels off, try this:
Before you vent… pause.
Before you seek agreement… reflect.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What am I needing that I haven’t expressed?
Have I clearly communicated, or am I expecting them to just know?
Am I open to hearing their side… even if it’s uncomfortable?
Because real growth doesn’t come from being right.
It comes from being honest.
Final Thought
It’s easy to find people who will validate your perspective.
It’s harder, but far more powerful, to become someone who is willing to examine it.
Because at the end of the day:
You don’t grow by proving your point.
You grow by being willing to question it.
One thing I take pride in is my lack of ego when it comes to arguments now. I used to have to have the last word, to stick them to make myself feel better or to argue in circles until I was exhausted or exhausted them first.
Not anymore.
I reflect on everything. Their words, my words, actions, empathy, emotions, rationality.
I will never claim to be perfect and I will NEVER claim to be better. But I will claim my role individually in every relationship.
I will always heavily respect someone's willingness to have a hard conversation with me and regardless of the eggshells or rubble we stand on, I will make them feel heard and in turn I will make sure that I am heard as well.
No longer do I seek validation from others to build my case against someone.
I have spent years being the see-sawed view point for others, when someone is venting to me. To see the other persons side, to gain insight on where they might have been coming from. To maybe understand their "why" for their actions or responses.
If I confide in someone with my frustrations and I am being fluffed or not being asked to see different angles or perceptions, I will move on.
What will you NOT see from me?
Passive posts on social media seeking attention and/or validation and project a victim mindset.
Write and promote Blog posts dramatizing real pain from everyone involved to create click bait and then say I am not click baiting.
Spinning narratives in private conversations to turn others' onto someone.
Play a victim to gain sympathy from others.
Dismiss someone who pours their heart out to me by expressing the pain I may have caused and just blow it off.
What will you see from me?
Growth from action.
Growth from example.
Growth from learning.
Growth from adapting.
Growth from uncomf
ortabilty.
Growth from hard conversations.
One action at a time.
One conversation at a time.
One thought at a time.
One reflection at a time.
Namaste Bishes.
Get your M.O.B.A. GEAR here:
Looking for support to be the best version of yourself with community and/or 1:1 Mentoring services? Click here:
Comments