Forgiveness

I find myself often describing myself as an “anomaly” to people when it comes to my attitude towards people in general, but more specifically, people in my life, past and present who have once or often hurt me.  People don’t seem to understand why I don’t carry anger, resentment or the desire to be petty in retaliation.  To be honest, I feel like it would be a lot easier if I had that ability to see the world through vengeful eyes, as I find this pattern of people being “fueled by rage or hate” and conquering some pretty amazing things as a result of that internally emotional “muse.”

I don’t have it in me and believe me, I have tried to tap into that vortex of red, in the hopes it would ignite some new fire inside me that will catapult me into some new tier of Bad-Assery.

I have been on the receiving end of many arguments confusing my lack of spite with looking weak. Accused of being walked over by people and allowing it to happen like I am a sheep who needs to be blanketed in protection or something.

The truth is, I have made a subconscious choice a long time ago that I don’t have room for hate in my heart.  Not carrying hate does not mean that those hurts haven’t happened.  It doesn’t mean I have not been gravely affected before by the pain inflicted onto me from others.  It just means I don’t hold on to it like the average person.  I let it go and forgive.

People often look at forgiveness as inconceivable bu why?  Personally, I find that when we hear a story of someone’s experience, we put ourselves in that position as ourselves, with our history and subconscious memories behind us and we react based on how we personally deal with things and how we THINK we would respond if said thing happened to us personally.

I was the same way.  I was combative when I would hear those stories.  I would respond with “I would NEVER do that.”, “I would NEVER go back to that person,”  “ I would do such and such” etc. and it was all based on how I think I would react in those situations.

Until those situations would arise in my own life and I would find myself doing the exact opposite as I would preach in my naivety and then I would be on the opposite end of those judgement filled conversations. 

Now I can’t speak for others on their "why’s", on why they do things, but I can speak on my own. 

I have a love/hate relationship with myself and my ability to have empathy in even the darkest of traits in people.  I have learned in life that as humans, we often have a consistent “pattern” of behavior and many actions, when you take the time to dissect deeper, contain a lot of the same basic fundamental issues that surface from pasts and then result in similar behavioral traits. 

There is a BIG difference between CONDONING those actions and understanding the WHY behind why those actions that take place.  Forgiving actions doesn’t mean I condone what was done.  It just means that I understand why it played out the way that it did and I choose to forgive myself for allowing it to break me, temporarily or over the course of decades.

Giving forgiveness does not mean that I give you a free pass or a clean slate for the pain you have caused.  It means I give forgiveness to release the negative hold it has held on me so that I can heal and move on, reflecting and learning more about myself and continuing to grow as a person.

I have joked that this last year I should have become an alcoholic, drug addict or be dancing on a pole somewhere on Tuesday afternoons as a D-class stripper because that is a common pattern of behavior when dealt with prolonged issues of abandonment and rejection from males in my life.  My stripper name would be “Anxious Attachment” and I would never leave that pole and would dance like it would never leave me.  I could have held a bottle booze and used it as a crutch to validate how I was hurt and blamed those who I felt drove me to it.  I would drown my sorrow and victimize myself and destroy my relationships around me, my body would deteriorate and lord knows what would happen.  Or maybe look down the barrel of a crack pipe and blame the guy for breaking my heart and thinking of all the things I should have said or done and continued to wallow and crack the pain away into a numbess .void.

But who is being hurt here?  Who is being broken?  Who is is true abuser here?  In reflections, you hopefully realize that sadly it is you.  You are the abuser because look who is being affected. It's just you.

I made a choice many years ago that drowning pain only hurts ourselves and the only way to move forward from pain is to release the hurt we carry, give forgiveness to those who have hurt us and most importantly, forgiving ourselves for letting it carry weight over us for how long that it did.

I have always commented that sometimes I felt like I had a Buddhist spirit in many ways and I think in this subject specifically, I resonate strongly with the Buddhism views on forgiveness as it was something I practiced without realizing it was related.

Buddhism believes that forgiveness is a path to Liberation.  It’s not about condoning like I said, but rather, releasing our bodies and freeing it from hate, anger and resentment.  By choosing not to carry hate, I don’t sit and dwell on what the other person is doing.  I am not scrolling their pages of social media stalking them or trying to find things to validate my constant negative feelings.  I have chosen to get to a place where I release the negative emotions and I pity them. I feel sorry that they have such ugly hearts and can’t be liberated by releasing the needs for petty actions or self destruction.  I create a wave of empathy towards their weakness and hope one day they can move past their own narrow thinking and be free for themselves and find happiness. I don't believe we should be forever condemned for the mistakes of our past if we rise up from it in a healthy, positive way.

Buddhism also believes in letting go of negative emotions.  Again, this does not mean you forget the pain, it just means you no longer let it weigh you down.  Obsessing over it doesn’t make it better, beating ourselves down, beating them down in our heads doesn’t make it better.  All it does is create dark clouds in our soul and prevents us from seeing clearly in front of it and beyond it. 

I know people don’t understand it and often times think I am excusing the behavior.  No, just means that I have become strong enough in who I am and who I want to be that I don’t let them weigh on me.  Doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, setbacks, temporary spirals.  I am fucking human too after all.  Just means when I come out of it, I let it go, release the emotional hold and move on.

I am a firm believer in karma and have been for a long time.  I let karma step in when it needs to.  There’s no need for me to try to rush the process or intervene.  When I forgive them, I don’t think it releases their karmic consequences. That is for their journey to present and navigate through when and how it comes.  It just frees me from suffering more than I allowed myself to until that moment.

I have lost friends because I wouldn’t be petty.  I have lost friends because they didn’t agree with my “life choices” when it came to my interactions with people who had hurt me.  I have had people stalk me and try to publicly harm me because they held onto anger having nothing to do with me.  I have lost family because I chose to protect my boundaries.  To be honest, it speaks more to their characters than my own.  But I don’t hold on to it.  I have forgiven myself for every negative interaction I have had and I will tell you, it’s very liberating. 

To those who will consider trying this for their own self-healing, I highly encourage it. Find a way that it works best for you to work through the process.

To those who think I am an idiot because some things are unforgiveable.  That’s your journey and I hope you learn to find peace and not let it break you longer than it has..

To those who still stalk me and want to see what I am doing daily from the outside.  Don’t worry, it’s all good Love.  I forgive you ;)

Namaste Bishes.