Croc'd Out NightWalker

It's amazing what kind of thoughts and reflections go through your mind at rapid speed when you are walking down a dark road at 11:30pm at night. Contemplating your life choices, how you ended up here, what is next for you, the vast array of emotions trying to release, yet suppressed behind the current "fight or flight" of the situation.

Maybe we go back an hour before this spiraled through process, LoL

I was at home and on the phone and I went outside to sit for a few miunutes before I prepped myself for bed to get up early for work the next day. Apparently a subconscious habit of my morning routine, I locked the door and went outside. Instantly as the door closed, I snapped out of the subconscious and realized very quickly what I had done. It seems unlikely that a million thoughts can go through your mind in split seconds, but that is what was happening. I hung up the phone to find a solution as I had 37% battery left on my phone. Put it on low battery mode to preserve it. Jiggled the handle thinking that somehow it would miraculously open but no. Went around to the back of the house to see if maybe I left that door unlocked and nope, I was responsible for once, LOL

Start the google searching for a 24 hour lock smith. Two are listed in town and both were closed and recordings confirmed.

Okay fine, we suck it out and maybe try outside of town and just pay the stupid travel fee and have it be another expensive lesson.

Beucase the universe and I have a love/hate relationship with irony, I actually chuckled to myself that my time hop memores from this morning was that of me making a video about locking myself out of the house and it was hot as balls. Of course a year later, to the day, we are in the same predicament, but this time it's 10:30 at night in a small town.

This aint like Cali where theres a plethora of resources, albeit expensive.

I called other phone numbers from google in neighboring towns and I was met with the same crippling resistance. What the fuck am I going to do? My car keys are in the house so I can't just drive somewhere or sit in my car while I figure it out. I also can't be on the phone much because I have to preserve my battery just in case.

So I messaged Bestie and told her what was going on. She sprung into action as best as she could, offering suggestions.

Call the realtors office where you rent from.

Perfect idea! Called the realtor and he didn't answer and I left a voice message. I had a number for the other realtor in the office and messaged her. No response.

Remembered I had my neighbors phone number!

Messaged and no response.

Messaged a coworker and she said she had no solutions and didn't know what to do.

Called the one friend I had out here from the other hotel I worked at.

He had been drinking at home and wasn't able to drive anywhere.

Okay awesome. The walls are starting to close in on me that i might be sleeping outside tonight amongst the cold and bugs.

By now, of course I had to pee really bad. I thought to myself of course and I wandered into the backyard and tried again in a desperate attempt to open the back door and nothing. The windows I have are sealed shut and there was no way to rig it open. It was dark in the back as I popped a squat like a cave woman and peed in the backyward.

At least I wasn't alone as the bugs were flying around in full force and the toad that hangs around my backyard stared at me in shame (or amusement, I don't know, I don't speak fluent toad, LOL)

Back to the front yard where the porch light was on, Bestie is messaging me with some other options. She found the non emergency 911 number.

Perfect! Finally a light at the end of the tunnel!

I called the number and explained what was going on. That it was cold and I had no where to go and no friends and no options and it's late.

He asked, "Do you have kids?"

"No."

"Then I am sorry, this is not an emergency, there is nothing we can do."

What do you mean there is nothing you can do??

He said if I had kids inside, they would come and help me but because I don't have kids, they can't come and help.

Awesome, so being childless is a punishment, LOL

Now I am out of options. I went back and forth. Do I call the ex and ask for his help?

Fuck it, this is my last resort.

Called him and it rang twice and I was sent to voicemail.

I sent him a message saying I literally have no one else to talk to.

No response.

Awesome.

Well we have two options. We can sit somewhere and we can cry our eyes out at the situation and maybe delve into a panic attack at the vast overwhelming feeling of helpless, isolation and depression.

Or we can decide to walk the 2.3 miles to the hotel I work at and sleep there for the night.

So we chose to start walking.

In lavender crocs

In smelling workout clothes from the workout in the sun earlier.

With the hair disheveled and sweaty.

By now, Bestie messaged him personally and took the time to fill him in on what was going on and why I had called him, hoping he would come to my aid as he once promised her he would, no matter what happened between us., as a friend."

He didn't respond to her.

But I got a text message a few minutes later from him that said,

"Beth filled me in. I honestly can’t help other than say call [Your Boss} and get a room and hope a locksmith gets there first thing."

And that was it. Void of empathy, years of friendship, former love or any care whatsoever.

A gut punch that I had not experienced. The last lifeline that I had in this town to help me tonight and now I was out of options.

We keep walking towards the hotel.

My friend who had been drinking called me back to ask if I figured out a solution yet and I said no. He said call the boss. He will be able to help with a solution.

Obviously no one wants to look weak in front of an employee and I am a pretty private person in the working world but now I have nothing to lose at this point.

I called him at 11:30 a night and he answered quickly. Told him what was going on and he said he would come and get me.

And this is where we resume on the dark road walking in a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and rapid fire memories and past experiences.

I had no physical emotion. We were still fueled on adrenaline to make sure we are razer focused. Get to a safe place for the night.

How can anyone be so callous, especially to someone they said two months prior that I was the most amazing person he ever met and he didn't deserve my kindness.

The guy who filled my heart and wanted me here to start fresh together.

The guy I packed up my entire life for and was strung along the moment I was here.

I would understand if I was a psycho who made his life miserable and this was my karma but I gave him everything, including the endless benefit of the doubt every time I was hurt repeatedly. I didn't deserve that coldness.

A STRANGER doesn't deserve that coldness, especially when it's known that I have no one here, no close friends, no family, no resources in a very small town.

To be okay with leaving me in the cold and stranded. Thats a whole different level.

You replay everything of the last year in your head in seconds, the sacrifices, the drama, the bullshit, the loneliness, the depression, the sleepless nights and then the finality of the realization that it was truly over, even on a basic friendship basis.

Not gonna lie, definitely stung hard but I wasn't about to cave into it in the moment because I had to be alert in the moment.

About 20 minutes into my walk, he appeared and picked me up. Asked if I was okay and I told him all the events of the evening and then we joked how I didn't plan on my night looking like a croc'd pout prostitute walking down the streets late at night. He laughed and took me to the hotel. He said to just give me a key to a room and to not charge me. He was overly generous and I am forever grateful for him.

When I walked in, my buddy Randall was behind the kiost and he took one look at me and he said, "Oh Miss Sheri, are you okay?" I laughed and said, "Nope."

By now, I had 19% battery left in my phone and I went into the back room where theres a box of left behind chargers form the countless guests who always leave them behind and never come back for them.

An entire bin of chargers, and not one of them was for my phone.

Yup, that sounds about right.

Randall, bless his heart, went out and bought me a charger and brought it back for me so I could charge it and call Bestie back and give myself permish to have a meltdown finally, now that I was safe.

I obviously didn't sleep that night as my mind was a hamster wheel processing everything from rare feelings of anger, hopelessness, gratitude and the realization that this town is not for me. I don't belong here. I feel like it's purpose was served. I found myself this past year. I went through the darkest internal fires of my life and I came out a better person because of it. I have no regrets because everything is for a reason but now is the real work on what is next for me.

I am alone and with no kids (as the dispatcher was kind enough to remind me) so there is nothing to tie me down to anywhere. If money was not a determining factor, I could literally pick any spot in the entire world and set up new camp there. And to some that is such an exciting though. Nothing to tie you down anywhere but for me, the idea of starting all over again somehwere else, is terrifying as I know what this move did to me. Although I feel there is not much worse internally, I would rather not challenge the universe to prove me wrong, LOL

So i dunno what's next. I know the next destiation will be for me and not for the benefit of someone else but I don't know what that looks like because I have lost sight of what I find happiness with. Everything I put my energy into is often for the benefit of someone else or other groups, or employers or outside factors.

Not sure what Sheri wants anymore but I know it will reveal itself when the time is right.

For now, we do not let the actions of others and situations break us down and prevent us from moving forward, even if slower than desired.

It's a marathon right now and I remind myself daily to not make rash decisions out of impulse and to take my time to figure it out.

And to you, who won't ever read this I'm sure? You win. You got what you manifested for yourself and what you kept saying all along. I hope one day you look back and reflect and realize it could have been vastly different for you.

As for the next morning? After a few hours of light sleep, I got a hold of a locksmith, got a ride to my house, got in, showered quick and got my shit together and still made it to work on time the next morning cuz I am a badass ;)

Namaste Bishes.